Most days that means remembering to eat enough. A couple times a month, lately, it's deciding to go out for a Mommy-only activity. Once or twice a year it means I get a massage. But, on a technicality, that doesn't count as taking care of myself. Someone else almost always insists on it. Mommy Martyrdom strikes again.
What did "take care of yourself" used to mean? Regular haircuts, buying new makeup, facials, massages, shaving my legs, sleep, sleep and more sleep. Most of this has gone completely out the window now that I'm a mom. Part of it is just not having the time anymore to make grooming a priority. Part of it is having a partner who sees the make-up and hair and all the rest as an armor I used to wear, a mask that kept him from truly seeing Me.
Most of the time I'm ok with the crunchy natural girl I've become. I can shave my legs a couple times a month for that special night out. I wear my hair long so I don't have to worry about haircuts quite so much, and it's often easier to just let it dry and put it in braids or a ponytail. And I'm finally starting to realize that I look a lot better without makeup, after years of hiding my so-called imperfections behind a layer of foundation.
Most of the time I've been ok with it. This week has not been one of those times. Tonight I am coming face to face with my past masked self in the form of an event for my 20 year high school reunion. I've kind of lost my mind about the whole thing, too. I slept all night with stinky henna in my hair to cover up the abundant gray. I've been wondering if I'll have enough time to shower, shave, pluck, make up and find just the right thing to wear. I have even considered leaving my glasses at home, all in the name of vanity. And fear.
And shame.
What?! I'm striving for Shameless Imperfection here, aren't I?
So, fuck it. I'm 38, not 18, and there's no reason to be ashamed of anything that has changed (inside or out) in twenty years. Here I come Class of 1990. My hair won't be as high, but my sense of self-worth will be through the roof!
1990 in all my school spirit glory.
Yeah well, you aint got nothin to be shamed about...You are the perfect mother for my grandkids, and I thank the clouds every day for you.
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