That's right, I've taken a little whirlwind tour of the world of Shame over the last month, and I feel damn glad to be home. I would have written, but Shame doesn't have any postcards. That's the funny thing about Shame - they don't want you talking about it to other people. They'd be happy if it was like you never visited!
But I made a pledge to myself and to you to talk about Shame in the hopes we can all feel its power a little less in our lives. So, I am here to report on what I saw. The nice thing about a vacation is that it generally gives you a lot of fodder for conversation.
My first dispatch concerns a conversation I had with the moms at my son's playgroup yesterday. And it dovetails perfectly into a dilemma I'm currently facing. We were talking about the choice to be a SAHM (that's Stay-at-Home-Mom) and how we feel about it. This group is just really getting started, and I am amazed at the candor and honesty I've found with my new friends. I'd gone to other mama/baby groups and immediately felt the competition between the moms for some elusive prize for being the best mom, or having the best kid. None of that here, thank you!
My friend, Jana (let's call her that) stated she knew she wasn't meant to be a SAHM. While she loves her daughter, loves that she gets to be with her, she hates being cast in the role she is in. Hates that she is not just staying at home to raise her daughter, but that she is also the de facto housekeeper, too. Hates that she feels like less of an interesting person because of it. Our conversation got interrupted but I found myself hungry to keep talking about this subject, partly because I feel that role constricting me right now, too, but in a different way.
My partner and I have become more clear recently about how uncomfortable we are with the roles we've taken on as parents and how they relate to each other. I throw myself into whatever I do headfirst, and becoming a SAHM has been no different. I cook, I clean, I take the kids on outings, I manage our household as best I can, I defer to the family breadwinner on matters financial (because who am I to ask questions.) I am playing the role of Donna Reed, except with a much less attractive wardrobe. He goes to work, comes home and plays with the kids, and takes out the garbage on Wednesdays. Not that he does nothing else around the house, but it's the feeling I'm after here.
We should have known this a long time ago. Every time we go on vacation this dynamic changes, we get along better (except for Shamefest, that place sucks for relationships!) When he took an extended paternity leave earlier this year after our daughter was born, our relationship was renewed. Breaking out of our patterns - and our small living quarters - brings new life to us. It's like we become ourselves again, not these fabricated caricatures of parenthood. It feels great to know this. Even a date to walk around the neighborhood without the kids helps. The question is, how do we break these patterns in our day-to-day lives. Can we?
After going to bed last night confused by my automatic, unwarranted, and unwanted submissiveness I lay in the dark, awake, and asked for answers. Why couldn't I relax and let go of this role? I'm an actor, and I certainly don't take those roles on for the rest of my life.
I'm going to try to figure this out. No answers for myself or my readers today. But perhaps asking these questions and acknowledging there are no easy answers is the first step towards redefining what it means for these two non-traditional people to be in a traditional relationship.
It's good to be back. More reporting from Shamefest 2010 coming soon!
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